Three AM Funnies

I have lived in the south for several years now. Although I have had much interaction with native southerners through work, I realize that I still have much to learn about these delightful rednecks.

I was working with one of South Carolina’s native sons recently. He has lived in the area for forty some-odd years, and so I am thankful to have been working with him.
You know the Geico commercials where there are two people? A regular guy says something and a celebrity interprets? That’s almost what it felt like on a recent call.

We went out for a “breathing problem.” First, let me say something about that. The original reason why the individual called EMS was not that they were having difficulty breathing, but that they were hurting all over. However, one of the call takers questions asked is “Is he/she breathing normally.” Now, the patient can be talking a mile a minute—“I’vebeenhurtingallweekanditsnotgettinganybetterandIcalledthedoctor
yesterdayandhaveanappointmenttommorrowbutIcannotwaitthatlongso
Iwanttogotothehospitalrightnow”—but if they say they are having a hard time breathing, we, as the call takers, have to record the call as a “breathing problem.”

Anyway, so we go out to this nicer section of town. We get to the door with our hands all filled with all of our equipment (heart monitor, oxygen, and ALS bag). The spouse of the patient is at the door when we arrived, but by the time we got to the front door, had disappeared. So, we had to struggle with the door while having our hands full. We then go inside this nice looking house and find that we should actually be in a trailer. The house has nice, wide halls that are stretcher-friendly, yet is so full of junk we have to crab-walk down it.

We make our way back to the patient’s bedroom, where the patient is in bed. It is my partner’s call (a good thing, since he spoke that specific version of red neck). He does the usual greeting, “Hi, I’m so-and-so with the ambulance and this is my partner. What’s the problem today?” That is pretty much all I understood of the conversation.

The patient responded, “Whanh whanh wha, whanh wha, whanh wha” while flailing arms about wildly.
My partner then replied “Whanh wha?”
The patient then continued, ““Whanh whanh wha, whanh wha, whanh wha.” My partner again replied something as equally unintelligible.
The interview continued. ““Whanh whanh wha, whanh wha, whanh wha.” The patient then slapped their butt. (Here, I had a hard time keeping from laughing). And then again, from the patient, “Whanh whanh wha, whanh wha, whanh wha.”
My partner finally responded with something that I understood, “Well, would you like to go to the hospital?” The patient then replied, “Wouldn’t you want to know what’s wrong with inside you?”
Finally, we transported the patient to the hospital. When we arrived it was just like a scene out of a Geico commercial. The patient would say something and my partner would interpret.
“Whanh whanh wha, whanh wha, whanh wha.”
“The patient’s hurting all over and thought they were going to leave here” (e.g. the patient thought they were going to die; this was also where the patient was wildly flailing their arms at the house).
“Whanh whanh wha, whanh wha, whanh wha.”
“The patient had the virus on Monday and kept running back and forth to the bathroom with vomiting and diarrhea.”
“Whanh whanh wha, whanh wha, whanh wha.”
“The patient tried to clean themselves by taking a shower. When going to get out of the tub, the patient fell backwards, landing on their backside.” (This was where the patient slapped their butt earlier.)
“Whanh whanh wha.”
“The patient got the sinus.” (Congested)
“Whanh wha, whanh wha.”
“The patient got the nerves.” (Anxious)

Throughout this entire call, I had a very difficult time keeping my composure. I am normally a pretty serious guy when I need to. However, when I was in the ambulance after leaving the hospital I could not stop laughing. That just goes to show that a lot of people can speak American, but still not speak English.